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It
occurred to me in my fifth month of pregnancy that I just didn’t care
anymore. Didn’t care what people said. Didn’t care to listen to more
advice. Didn’t care about every minute possible difficulty. I put away
the pregnancy books, quieted the naysayers, stopped watching the baby
television shows, and focused on my own inner voice. It was the hardest
thing I have ever had to do.
If
there is one time in your life when everyone, from the crossing guard to
the garden shop owner, feels like they have a right to comment on you,
it is during pregnancy. Once you begin to show, you have no privacy. You
are barraged with horror stories about birth, ways in which your body
will never be the same, and suggestions on eating habits and cold
remedies. Some people have your best interests in mind. A few are
mean-spirited or jaded by negative experiences. All of them believe they
know better than you. They don’t.
Let
me say that again: They do not know better than you. They do not know
the dreams and goals after which you hunger. They do not know the name
of your second grade teacher or that hunk you slept with after only one
date. They do not know the thing that made you cry at night when you
knew no one else was listening. These thoughts are yours and yours
alone. No matter how close you get to another human being, the essence
of you will always be hidden from others. But it need not be hidden from
yourself. In fact, in order to know your true self, in order to listen
to your inner voice, in order to be the whole person you were meant to
be, you need to meet and accept the hidden you. You need to journey
within.
Sounds
easy, doesn’t it? Make a grocery list of ideals, values, and goals.
Remember past friends, lovers, and family members. Allow the slide show
of your life to play across your mind’s screen and wham! You know
yourself. Unfortunately, it’s not quite that easy. If it were, the
self-help section in your local bookstore would be filled with empty
shelves.
Journeying
within to meet and accept the true you is a long process. It does not
happen in a week, a month, or even a year. Even as I write this article,
after seven months of soul-searching and work, my journey continues. I
suspect it will last my whole life but I cannot say for sure as I have
only just begun. No matter how long it takes, that first step is always
the hardest. Taking a good long look at your dark inner psyche is never
fun. It would be so much nicer to go on a picnic and frolic in the sun.
But what about that gray cloud that keeps floating by, blocking out the
sun’s rays? Wouldn’t it be nice to banish it, even for a little
while?
I’m
not going to lie to you; the journey is arduous, hard, and rocky. Your
knees become bruised from slipping on the rocks. Your hands become
covered with sores and blisters. Your clothes are tattered and your ego,
even more so. Amid the sweat and tears, it is easy to wonder if it is
all worth it. Absolutely. The power and pride, the peace of mind and
sense of self, earned from accepting the true you is immeasurable. It
just takes a little courage to begin.
If
this were a conventional article, I would list the do-it-yourself
suggestions next. However, I cannot presume to know you, any more than
the grocery store clerk knew me in my seven-month pregnant state.
However, I will tell you what I have learned. If it resonates with you,
great! If it doesn’t, may another path open to you.
| 1. |
Face your fears. There were a million
things I was afraid of during my pregnancy. I was afraid of
being alone in labor. I was afraid of making the wrong
decisions. I was afraid of the unknown. In order to move past
the fear and know the inner me, I worked with fear reducing,
heart-affirming crystals like smoky quartz and rose quartz. I
meditated daily, using a meditation tape that focused on moving
past my fears. I drew pictures, wrote chants, and chronicled in
my journal all my feelings and emotions. Eventually, my fear
turned to excitement as I began to anticipate the arrival of my
daughter. |
| 2. |
Have no regrets. When looking back at my
life, some of my actions bring me pain. I am not proud of the
people I alienated, the lies I told, or the immoral and illegal
actions I took. But a wise, younger man once said to me, “Why
regret what’s in the past? You can’t change it.” He was
absolutely correct. You cannot change the past but you can learn
from it. I now consider all of my past actions as a necessary
part of my growth. I do not regret them; I honor them as an
important and viable part of making me the vibrant woman I am
today. |
| 3. |
Make no excuses. Many people have
different opinions than me; they choose a varying course of
action. I value their ability to choose the way that is best for
them. However, I also value my ability to choose the best way
for me. This means that I try not to feel guilt or shame when
not following other’s advice. I chose to have a natural
childbirth. I also chose to bottle feed instead of breast feed
my baby. Both decisions are controversial, depending on to whom
you’re talking. Yet, they were mine to make and I stand by my
decisions. I may explain my reasoning to you, should you ask,
but I will not make excuses. |
| 4. |
Accept change. Change was inevitable
when my baby entered my life. Disposable income now goes toward
diapers instead of diamonds. (Who am I kidding? What disposable
income?) My baby’s schedule varies day to day; sometimes she
sleeps at night, other times she doesn’t. One day she may be
cranky, the next day, all smiles. At first I railed against the
change, upset that things did not go the same way every day. And
my days were miserable, full of resentment. Once I decided to go
with the flow, essentially living in each moment fully, I
didn’t care what was “supposed” to happen. I focused
instead on what “was” happening. And, wouldn’t you know
it? My resentment went away; I felt grounded and much more at
peace. |
My
life lessons on the way to knowing the true me are, undoubtedly,
different from your life lessons. Whether you need to learn to bend a
little or open your mouth more, the journey will not be easy. It
takes courage to journey within, to meet, accept, and truly “own”
the true you. The journey takes a lifetime but there are small victories
along the way. Are you ready to begin?
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